I dont noh and im not sure, but after several days of observation i think theres something wrong with me. My body. I see blood. I dont noh what it is. Im scared. I dont noh who i should talk to. Who will help me...?

I dont like how i keep making myself depressed. It makes me sad, but i still do it. Why? Am i really that masocisical? I dont mean to, but something is just there and i feel so incomplete. I really hate my decisions sometimes. But it is part of life, right? You learn from mistakes? Its just so hard, but ill get through it. Just like everything else, right? I still remember all the memories, especially the good ones. I remember. I never forgot. And i noh neither will you.

I dont understand how some people are so mean or cruel. I was taught that some people do things because they have a bond that irreplaceable that no matter what they think of each other, they would still be there to help. I understand one side, but the other i cannot. The only thing i can do is try my best and hope for the best and just get through it. I admit im kinda afraid and scared and i dont want to put another party in an awkward position. Life is so hard.

"It takes a second to understand but It's hard to convey the truth. It's easy to misunderstand." - Bokura Wa Itsumo

"may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why. "

• you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
• you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
• you feel hopeless and helpless
• you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
• you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
• you are much more irritable and short-tempered than usual
• you have thoughts that life is not worth living
• Loss of energy.
• Self-loathing.
• Unexplained aches and pains.

check
check
check
check
check
not really
kinda
kinda
check
nope

Hmm. No wonder. Haha. All makes a little more sense now. Good thing i remembered to look it up. =]


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really wonder what my i am good for. Sometimes i just want to yell "do you ever think about me or how i feel when you do that?!" But then i think about it and then i realize that its up to that person. I cant really control anyone. Not my place since i dont own them. Just feel sad and helpless. Not like that matters. Im not myself anymore. I use to be so strong and independent. Now im just weak. People are walking over me all the time and i dont do anything about it. I just dont noh anymore. I wish i didnt have to sleep or eat. THen maybe i can find something else to do. A lot of things make me so sad and wanting to cry, but when i think logically about it i shouldnt cuz the other person has the right to do whatever it is. What happened to me?

How fun. I had my first college finals yesterday. The first was wasnt as bad cuz i had a study group with friends the night before and i looked over key info. The second was a bit harder cuz i couldnt concentrate as well. I was starting to get a sore throat and a mild headache. That annoyed me for the rest of the day too cuz i was getiing a runny nose, sore throat, and headache. I should sleep earlier to get more rest, but then i dont feel like it cuz im not use to sleeping this early since i usually sleep at 3 on average.
Dont even feel like eating anymore either. I eat cuz i have to and i use meal credits. If not for those im not sure if i would eat decent meals. Although the meals here arent actually decent. I just dont relly like eating anymore. Only good food is sweets and stuff my daddy and friends make.Maybe i will finally lose some of my fat.

What to do now in this situation?

Lots of work to do. Better get crackin...

The weekend home for thanksgiving was fun. I did no hw but went out a lot. 4 days in a row to EChang's house. Blackjack, hold 'em, and rock band. It was really nice to see everyone. Its been so long, but when we all got together it seemed like we never left. Cooking a mini thanksgiving meal with friends was really exciting. First time blk friday camping out was a fun experience. We got mahjong going on to pass the time. Hamuhamu-chan's bday was full of yummy food and i noh she had lots of fun, especially with the presents. =] Happy birthday hamuhamu-chan! ^^ Now we all will be half-legal. =]
Some things are hard to explain. Some people always ask me why i feel the way i do and i cant give them a direct answer. THere is just a strong feeling inside that makes me feel the way i do. No matter what his flaws or strengths or if he's sick or poor or rich and healthy. I want to be embraced by him. He makes me feel needed and gives me attention. I love him. Thats all there is to it. I do as much as i ken for him because i really care about him. Our liebe is stronger now.
Feels a little weird cuz some things are missing.

It hurts to hurt.

我爱你，鄧家榮.

I hope i remembered it correctly.

I just want to scream out loud. I want to let it all out. I want to cry it out. I just want this feeling to go away. I feel so helpless. What am i doing anymore. I am being left behind. I do not noh you anymore. What happened?